Confidence is a strange thing. It can be hidden. It can be displayed. It can be forgotten. It can be torment and torture. Confidence is always within and the one thing it cannot be is denied. It can be ignored, but never denied.
I look back and I hated High School. Now I say that not with angst of horrible experiences or longing for acceptance. I say that in the wise words of a funny lady I adore, Estelle Getty, "If I Knew Then What I Know Now ... So What?"
However, that's confident 33 year old me talking.
I went to a large High School, there were over 700 of us in my class alone. I was active within band and a few other things, but I liked to hide back in the crowd and having a last name at the end of the alphabet aided in my being camouflaged through High School. I was happy to graduate and relatively happy to never speak to most of the people I rarely spoke to in High School ever again. I left for college and rarely looked back. When I do look back I lacked confidence. I lacked knowing who I was.
When I look back at College, my experience is that of a vast blur. I wasn't the drunken college student who doesn't remember her time, but rather the timid Freshman who went away homesick, much of the same as who she was when she was in High School. The following year I packed up and did an internship at Walt Disney World moving in with 5 strangers and very much so came out of my shell and gained confidence. It was five months after my return from my internship that I was involved in my accident and the version of myself prior to the accident is as non-memorable as my accident myself; I still only know what people tell me.
With the exception of my accident, I'd like to think my High School and College careers are really those of everyone else. The friends you so cherished in High School are long gone, maybe not forgotten, but have since been replaced with college friends, coworkers, neighbors. It's both those long but not forgotten friends and new friends that help define even a tiny portion of who you are.
The person I am as I sit typing away, is not the person I was just six months ago, let alone a year ago or prior to then either. The strides and accomplishments I've made that I didn't even think possible for myself have given me a rejuvenated confidence. Deep down I've always had some sort of confidence, but the confidence I have now is undeniable. It's stand up for myself and for me. Try and then try again. Adventure. Speak out. Make friends. Set goals. It's all always been in me and at various times in my life. It seems now it's all somehow collided, crashed inside me, and it cannot be contained.
It's like Estelle said "If I Knew Then What I Know Now ... So What?" Exactly. I can't change the past. I wouldn't be who I am without my past including people and events. So What? It is not that any single person took my confidence away, or any single person boosted me up. In reality it's always been me, with the help of others. And to that, another wise woman much like Estelle stated in an iconic film roll "Anyone who ever gave you confidence, you owe them a lot."
I look back and I hated High School. Now I say that not with angst of horrible experiences or longing for acceptance. I say that in the wise words of a funny lady I adore, Estelle Getty, "If I Knew Then What I Know Now ... So What?"
However, that's confident 33 year old me talking.
I went to a large High School, there were over 700 of us in my class alone. I was active within band and a few other things, but I liked to hide back in the crowd and having a last name at the end of the alphabet aided in my being camouflaged through High School. I was happy to graduate and relatively happy to never speak to most of the people I rarely spoke to in High School ever again. I left for college and rarely looked back. When I do look back I lacked confidence. I lacked knowing who I was.
When I look back at College, my experience is that of a vast blur. I wasn't the drunken college student who doesn't remember her time, but rather the timid Freshman who went away homesick, much of the same as who she was when she was in High School. The following year I packed up and did an internship at Walt Disney World moving in with 5 strangers and very much so came out of my shell and gained confidence. It was five months after my return from my internship that I was involved in my accident and the version of myself prior to the accident is as non-memorable as my accident myself; I still only know what people tell me.
With the exception of my accident, I'd like to think my High School and College careers are really those of everyone else. The friends you so cherished in High School are long gone, maybe not forgotten, but have since been replaced with college friends, coworkers, neighbors. It's both those long but not forgotten friends and new friends that help define even a tiny portion of who you are.
The person I am as I sit typing away, is not the person I was just six months ago, let alone a year ago or prior to then either. The strides and accomplishments I've made that I didn't even think possible for myself have given me a rejuvenated confidence. Deep down I've always had some sort of confidence, but the confidence I have now is undeniable. It's stand up for myself and for me. Try and then try again. Adventure. Speak out. Make friends. Set goals. It's all always been in me and at various times in my life. It seems now it's all somehow collided, crashed inside me, and it cannot be contained.
It's like Estelle said "If I Knew Then What I Know Now ... So What?" Exactly. I can't change the past. I wouldn't be who I am without my past including people and events. So What? It is not that any single person took my confidence away, or any single person boosted me up. In reality it's always been me, with the help of others. And to that, another wise woman much like Estelle stated in an iconic film roll "Anyone who ever gave you confidence, you owe them a lot."
No comments:
Post a Comment