Dear Self One Year Ago,
It's true, it's been a year. It's our anniversary. It's my anniversary. My anniversary with the decision to join a gym. Well, if I'm being honest, I don't want to take the credit here, I didn't wake up one day last year and say "I'm going to join a gym". In fact, Will joined a gym and told me I should too because it was a good deal and he'd get credit if I joined. My original intent on doing so was to perhaps be a little more active and use it as additional time to spend with Will. Let's face it: Will is a Professional Chef and works night. I work Monday-Friday in Advertising. We see each other for a few waking minutes (not hours) a day.
A year ago I didn't expect my life to change. A year ago I didn't expect any of the emotions I've experienced. A year ago I didn't expect to go from whatever it was that I was to confident. A year ago I didn't expect to trust in myself and others. A year ago I didn't expect to try new things. A year ago I didn't look much ahead into the following year. A year ago I didn't expect to find out a year later that I was originally lost.
I recall that first day, the facility was nothing like any other gym I had been to before that was public. I recall seeing people literally of all shapes and sizes working alongside one another. I recall on my tour of the facility being asked if I planned to work out that night. I laughed and said "No, I worked all day." I had my sign-up paperwork, my id, and my free smoothie in hand and I was heading back home. In reality it took me almost longer to drive to the gym than I spent at the gym.
I went back two days later for my free personal trainer session. I went into that first session in hopes of learning how to use a few machines or get an idea of what I should be doing. Let's face it, I knew how to use a treadmill, an elliptical, a bike, and I was pretty confident in using a leg press since I had so many times after my knee surgeries. Most other machines, let alone loose items around the gym seemed to be just those: machines and loose items around the gym and I had no knowledge or interest in using them.
I recall that day so vividly. I wore a white tank top and black capri pants. I was positive I could do simple step-ups on a small step while holding weights. I mean, I had climbed stairs to get up to this meeting and I bowled with 16-pound bowling balls. So seemingly in my mind a year ago I could step up onto a riser with a weight in my hand. Seemingly in my mind a year ago I could do it, reality was I could do it, but not well, and not for a long period of time or many repetitions. A year ago I was in denial.
I was able to admit that I didn't make the best food and drink choices and that I was once active but had long let that go. Looking back maybe me admitting those things was me admitting I needed help. I needed guidance. I needed structure. I needed accountability. I needed goals.
A year ago I met Kristine who told me what I needed to hear; what I deep down knew. Me, a year ago, was reluctant, I didn't know what to expect and the planner in me needed to know what was going to happen. The impulsive version of me wanted to take the leap and see what could happen. The irony of those statements are that still a year later I'm a planner and need to know what is going to happen, and yet the impulsive version of me just goes with the flow and takes it as it comes. Somewhere in this past year I've found a balance and it's a good balance. I didn't know I'd find that balance or much of anything else and that first day at the gym after attempting to work out, I left in tears.
A year ago I spent the day complaining that it was suggested I go to Team Weight Loss, I actually called it Fat Camp. I did. I was upset. I was upset ... with myself. I had let myself get to that point. I had done it to myself. I was upset that I was committing to going to Team Weight Loss three nights a week and working with a trainer one morning a week. That alone meant that I'd be going to the gym 4 days a week out of 7 on top of working and commuting to work. A year ago I wasn't sure I could do it. A year ago I wasn't sure I wanted to do it.
It's been a loss of 30 pounds, a gain of muscle. I've done seven 5k's. Two indoor triathlons. Two half marathons. One Sprint distance triathlon. I'm training for a final Sprint distance triathlon and another half marathon. And I suspect I'll throw in a couple 5k's to finish the year off. This year alone, just since January I've worked out swimming, biking, or running for 84 hours, 44 minutes, and 08 seconds. In that time I've went 620.93 miles. That time and distance does not include the three days a week I now go to Team Boot Camp having graduated from both Team Weight Loss and Team Fitness. This does not include the hour a week I workout with a trainer or go to yoga.
For a girl who wasn't even sure she wanted to go to the gym last year, there are now days that I go twice. My Tuesday's are crazy! I swim at 6am, train at 7am, get ready, go to work, and run after work. I leave at 530am and get home at 7pm. I literally have four outfits with me on those days.
The crazy schedule aside, the multiple outfits a day, all of it ... I never would have guessed. I wanted to avoid it. Now I can't avoid it and I only look ahead. Well, that's not true. I look back and reflect a lot. I think when I do an assisted pull-up at the gym I think back that I could have only looked at the pull-up bar or machine and thought "Yeah, don't sign me up for that." Now I can do them.
Now I can do so much, so much I never knew of, never imagined, and it's not stopping here at my one-year anniversary. I feel like it's only beginning. I've come this far, but still can go so much further. Some days I struggle mentally. I can't do something as well as I did last time. Other days I'm on the proverbial cloud nine because I took some time off of an event or added weight to a workout. Some days I really don't want to get out of bed at 430am, but once I do and get going I'm reminded all over again why it's ok. Why I'm ok. Why I can do this. I.CAN.DO.THIS. And it turns out I.CAN.DO.ANYTHING.
In closing to myself a year ago ... you don't know it, but the year to come is going to be a pretty great journey. You'll have ups those first few times of losing more than one pound at a time. You'll have downs when you only lose half a pound and obsess with why. You'll have highs when you go from running one minute to a half marathon. You'll have lows when you see that your PR for a half marathon is out of reach, but you still want to finish. You'll learn the sport of triathlon and while it will consume you, it is all with a great cause and greater result. You'll have tears, both good and bad. There will be more good than bad. But there will be some bad and they.are.bad. There will be blood, there will be scabs. Clothes will stop fitting. Your running shoe size will go up. You'll learn what bike shoes are and how to use them. You'll fail at using them ... multiple times. You'll go through 4 swimsuit sizes in nearly as many months. You'll feel constantly hungry and if you make good decisions you'll be ok. You'll start drinking so much water you begin to wonder how you're not floating. Your sleep schedule will become regulated, quite possibly for the first time ever. You'll try new adventures. You'll learn that those swim lessons as a kid didn't prepare you to swim competitively and you'll have to work hard at it. You'll learn the hard work is worth it when you swim more than one lap; more than one mile. You'll bore your friends with the minor details of taking 30 seconds off of your swim time. You'll make new friends that will have such an impact on your life it seems unthinkable to realize you didn't know them a year ago. You will learn terms like splits and OWS. You will learn to put a wetsuit on, and you'll realize you look just as ridiculous as everyone else. You'll not only wear in public a tri suit, but share photos of yourself in it and not care that you look like an encased sausage. You'll learn to love the color pink and embrace it greatly, you'll wear it from head to toe from time to time. You'll be out driving and see a cyclist go by and slow down not only for them (which self, you did before), but also to see what bike they have. The number of running shorts you own, which was zero a year ago, will out number the amount of regular shorts, jeans, and dress pants combined that you own. You'll learn there's an entire world before a lot of people get up in the day, and that entire world is yours for the taking. You'll start to go distances on a run or bike ride that are greater than many people travel during the weekend via car. You will progressively continue to cut your hair shorter and shorter reminding yourself of the confidence you once had with short hair and also reminding yourself that it's just easier this way. You'll fight with those who love you and you fight with them because they love you and you want to make them proud. You'll realize no matter how fast or slow you are, they still love you and you are making them proud. You'll fight with yourself if something comes up and you miss a workout. You'll get overwhelmed when everything plays in montage of your accomplishments, how far you've come. You'll see that montage and dream bigger. You'll realize this last year was a starting point, just a step into the direction and future of what's to come. You'll realize and get upset with yourself that you didn't try harder sooner, or that you didn't try at all. And most of all you'll realize it's ok, you weren't ready, you didn't know any better and now that you do you can do anything. You will do anything.
To myself one year ago, it's been a journey, and really it's just starting. I can't wait to see what the next year has in store.
We meet again. In fact we've been together and more in tune and balanced with one another this past year than ever before. And when I say "we've" I refer to me as I am now and me as I was a year ago. One year. Three hundred and sixty-five days. Fifty-two weeks. Twelve months. 8,760 hours. 525,000 minutes. 31,536,000 seconds. Self, I have so much to tell you.
It's true, it's been a year. It's our anniversary. It's my anniversary. My anniversary with the decision to join a gym. Well, if I'm being honest, I don't want to take the credit here, I didn't wake up one day last year and say "I'm going to join a gym". In fact, Will joined a gym and told me I should too because it was a good deal and he'd get credit if I joined. My original intent on doing so was to perhaps be a little more active and use it as additional time to spend with Will. Let's face it: Will is a Professional Chef and works night. I work Monday-Friday in Advertising. We see each other for a few waking minutes (not hours) a day.
A year ago I didn't expect my life to change. A year ago I didn't expect any of the emotions I've experienced. A year ago I didn't expect to go from whatever it was that I was to confident. A year ago I didn't expect to trust in myself and others. A year ago I didn't expect to try new things. A year ago I didn't look much ahead into the following year. A year ago I didn't expect to find out a year later that I was originally lost.
I recall that first day, the facility was nothing like any other gym I had been to before that was public. I recall seeing people literally of all shapes and sizes working alongside one another. I recall on my tour of the facility being asked if I planned to work out that night. I laughed and said "No, I worked all day." I had my sign-up paperwork, my id, and my free smoothie in hand and I was heading back home. In reality it took me almost longer to drive to the gym than I spent at the gym.
I went back two days later for my free personal trainer session. I went into that first session in hopes of learning how to use a few machines or get an idea of what I should be doing. Let's face it, I knew how to use a treadmill, an elliptical, a bike, and I was pretty confident in using a leg press since I had so many times after my knee surgeries. Most other machines, let alone loose items around the gym seemed to be just those: machines and loose items around the gym and I had no knowledge or interest in using them.
I recall that day so vividly. I wore a white tank top and black capri pants. I was positive I could do simple step-ups on a small step while holding weights. I mean, I had climbed stairs to get up to this meeting and I bowled with 16-pound bowling balls. So seemingly in my mind a year ago I could step up onto a riser with a weight in my hand. Seemingly in my mind a year ago I could do it, reality was I could do it, but not well, and not for a long period of time or many repetitions. A year ago I was in denial.
I was able to admit that I didn't make the best food and drink choices and that I was once active but had long let that go. Looking back maybe me admitting those things was me admitting I needed help. I needed guidance. I needed structure. I needed accountability. I needed goals.
A year ago I met Kristine who told me what I needed to hear; what I deep down knew. Me, a year ago, was reluctant, I didn't know what to expect and the planner in me needed to know what was going to happen. The impulsive version of me wanted to take the leap and see what could happen. The irony of those statements are that still a year later I'm a planner and need to know what is going to happen, and yet the impulsive version of me just goes with the flow and takes it as it comes. Somewhere in this past year I've found a balance and it's a good balance. I didn't know I'd find that balance or much of anything else and that first day at the gym after attempting to work out, I left in tears.
A year ago I spent the day complaining that it was suggested I go to Team Weight Loss, I actually called it Fat Camp. I did. I was upset. I was upset ... with myself. I had let myself get to that point. I had done it to myself. I was upset that I was committing to going to Team Weight Loss three nights a week and working with a trainer one morning a week. That alone meant that I'd be going to the gym 4 days a week out of 7 on top of working and commuting to work. A year ago I wasn't sure I could do it. A year ago I wasn't sure I wanted to do it.
It's been a loss of 30 pounds, a gain of muscle. I've done seven 5k's. Two indoor triathlons. Two half marathons. One Sprint distance triathlon. I'm training for a final Sprint distance triathlon and another half marathon. And I suspect I'll throw in a couple 5k's to finish the year off. This year alone, just since January I've worked out swimming, biking, or running for 84 hours, 44 minutes, and 08 seconds. In that time I've went 620.93 miles. That time and distance does not include the three days a week I now go to Team Boot Camp having graduated from both Team Weight Loss and Team Fitness. This does not include the hour a week I workout with a trainer or go to yoga.
For a girl who wasn't even sure she wanted to go to the gym last year, there are now days that I go twice. My Tuesday's are crazy! I swim at 6am, train at 7am, get ready, go to work, and run after work. I leave at 530am and get home at 7pm. I literally have four outfits with me on those days.
The crazy schedule aside, the multiple outfits a day, all of it ... I never would have guessed. I wanted to avoid it. Now I can't avoid it and I only look ahead. Well, that's not true. I look back and reflect a lot. I think when I do an assisted pull-up at the gym I think back that I could have only looked at the pull-up bar or machine and thought "Yeah, don't sign me up for that." Now I can do them.
Now I can do so much, so much I never knew of, never imagined, and it's not stopping here at my one-year anniversary. I feel like it's only beginning. I've come this far, but still can go so much further. Some days I struggle mentally. I can't do something as well as I did last time. Other days I'm on the proverbial cloud nine because I took some time off of an event or added weight to a workout. Some days I really don't want to get out of bed at 430am, but once I do and get going I'm reminded all over again why it's ok. Why I'm ok. Why I can do this. I.CAN.DO.THIS. And it turns out I.CAN.DO.ANYTHING.
In closing to myself a year ago ... you don't know it, but the year to come is going to be a pretty great journey. You'll have ups those first few times of losing more than one pound at a time. You'll have downs when you only lose half a pound and obsess with why. You'll have highs when you go from running one minute to a half marathon. You'll have lows when you see that your PR for a half marathon is out of reach, but you still want to finish. You'll learn the sport of triathlon and while it will consume you, it is all with a great cause and greater result. You'll have tears, both good and bad. There will be more good than bad. But there will be some bad and they.are.bad. There will be blood, there will be scabs. Clothes will stop fitting. Your running shoe size will go up. You'll learn what bike shoes are and how to use them. You'll fail at using them ... multiple times. You'll go through 4 swimsuit sizes in nearly as many months. You'll feel constantly hungry and if you make good decisions you'll be ok. You'll start drinking so much water you begin to wonder how you're not floating. Your sleep schedule will become regulated, quite possibly for the first time ever. You'll try new adventures. You'll learn that those swim lessons as a kid didn't prepare you to swim competitively and you'll have to work hard at it. You'll learn the hard work is worth it when you swim more than one lap; more than one mile. You'll bore your friends with the minor details of taking 30 seconds off of your swim time. You'll make new friends that will have such an impact on your life it seems unthinkable to realize you didn't know them a year ago. You will learn terms like splits and OWS. You will learn to put a wetsuit on, and you'll realize you look just as ridiculous as everyone else. You'll not only wear in public a tri suit, but share photos of yourself in it and not care that you look like an encased sausage. You'll learn to love the color pink and embrace it greatly, you'll wear it from head to toe from time to time. You'll be out driving and see a cyclist go by and slow down not only for them (which self, you did before), but also to see what bike they have. The number of running shorts you own, which was zero a year ago, will out number the amount of regular shorts, jeans, and dress pants combined that you own. You'll learn there's an entire world before a lot of people get up in the day, and that entire world is yours for the taking. You'll start to go distances on a run or bike ride that are greater than many people travel during the weekend via car. You will progressively continue to cut your hair shorter and shorter reminding yourself of the confidence you once had with short hair and also reminding yourself that it's just easier this way. You'll fight with those who love you and you fight with them because they love you and you want to make them proud. You'll realize no matter how fast or slow you are, they still love you and you are making them proud. You'll fight with yourself if something comes up and you miss a workout. You'll get overwhelmed when everything plays in montage of your accomplishments, how far you've come. You'll see that montage and dream bigger. You'll realize this last year was a starting point, just a step into the direction and future of what's to come. You'll realize and get upset with yourself that you didn't try harder sooner, or that you didn't try at all. And most of all you'll realize it's ok, you weren't ready, you didn't know any better and now that you do you can do anything. You will do anything.
To myself one year ago, it's been a journey, and really it's just starting. I can't wait to see what the next year has in store.
Left: August, 2014. Right: August, 2015.
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