January 1, 2009

Not to be dramatic or anything, but the life that I knew; my life as I knew it, the life that had been forming since September of 2002 changed at 4:05am on January 1, 2009. And at that time I didn't know what I'd do, where I'd go, why. All I could do was cry.

The Spring Semester after my accident I was back in school and going about life. I left the dining hall one day and passed a guy who had dyed red dreadlocks, an apparent thrift store leather jacket and a Kill Hannah t-shirt. I was slightly awestruck if I'm being honest. In this crazy world we live in it actually turned out that the guy in the Kill Hannah shirt was a friend and classmate of my friend Paul. The semester ended and I went on to have my first ACL surgery a month after the semesters end.

The Fall Semester of 2002 I was busy on campus and my friend Paul was turning 21. In exchange for Paul working on my computer, I had to hand deliver an invitation to his twenty-first birthday extravaganza. Much to my surprise the recipient of the invitation was actually the guy from the semester prior with the Kill Hannah shirt on; Rafe. I remember once again being awestruck and all I could muster out was that my roommate and I had the same teal cordless land line phone, only ours had yellow ducky stickers on it. If there was ever a real life "I carried a watermelon” moment ... that was it.

It was almost instantaneous that Rafe and I began a relationship. Our first date was to a Kill Hannah concert that was in Carbondale and because Rafe had an old, beat up Kill Hannah shirt on the lead singer of the band came to talk to him about it and I was able to meet him. Rafe and I had a lot in common. We liked the same music, we were both vegetarians, we worked in the same place but different departments, we had mutual friends.

After we each graduated college we each had jobs in the Southern Illinois region so we both stayed in the area and eventually moved in together and adopted a dog. Rafe got a job in North Carolina and it was at that time that he moved in January of 2008 to Durham and two months later I moved with all of our belongings and dog and became a resident of North Carolina.

I worked from home remotely for a company based in Illinois and traveled occasionally back to the office. Three months after I moved to North Carolina we adopted a second dog. I took up a routine of working out in the morning before beginning my work day, working all day, and then Rafe would come home. We had a life where we had dinner together nightly and a routine of watching movies, going to concerts, trying new places to eat, or going to functions for his work. Looking back our life was predictable, I just didn't see it at that time.

I worked a half day on December 31, 2008 and Rafe was on vacation from work. After I got off work we went and picked up some groceries to make a New Year’s Eve dinner. As well I bought a Kitchen Aid blender. The blender we had leaked every time we used it and I had received a Bed, Bath, and Beyond gift card from Rafe's parents for Christmas. There was a great sale, a rebate, and combined with my gift card I purchased a really nice blender for next to nothing. We were so excited about my new blender that once we tried it out to confirm it worked we smashed the old one to pieces in the dumpster.

I wanted to go to Raleigh, North Carolina to see a Giant Acorn be dropped at midnight to ring in the New Year. Apparently it was a big deal. Rafe didn't want to go and in fact went to bed early. I was annoyed, but eventually went to bed after watching the Acorn drop on tv. I wished my friends and family in the Midwest a Happy New Year since I was an hour ahead of them and drifted off to sleep.

I woke up around 4:30am. I couldn't sleep, I was restless. I checked returned text messages from friends and even some emails from friends. I had an email from Rafe. The email had no subject to it. Despite how much time has passed, I'll never forget what the email said.

"Lori,

I've been thinking about this for a while and there's no good way to say it, so I'm just going to say it.

I'm not in love with you and you're not the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.

I don't mind living with you, but I don't know where this leaves us.

Rafe"

I was shocked. I cried. I threw up. I was confused. I was hoping that someone, anyone of my friends or family would be awake. Eventually friends and family awoke to my news. I continued to cry and sob. I didn't have a plan. I didn't know what had happened, when it had happened. What was going to happen. What I was going to do. Where I would go.

My dad advised I take my car to get checked out because maybe I should move away from North Carolina. Since I worked from home and rarely drove, just to get my car to have it checked out I had to jump my car. I had a spare key to Rafe's car so I popped the hood, jumped my car and took it to Sears which was open on New Year’s Day. I thankfully lived across the street from a mall and shopping center so it made handling the dropping off of my car simple. I remember sitting in the empty food court of the mall before it really opened crying. I just sat there, crying and staring off into the void.

I made it back to the apartment and Rafe wasn't there. I had no idea where he was. I closed myself in the spare bedroom that doubled as my office. I locked the dogs in there with me and cried some more. I took a shower, I sat in the shower on the floor crying. I heard Rafe come home. I walked up to him. I wanted to be brave. I wanted to be bold. I wanted to be badass. I told him that eventually we needed to talk. I walked away in tears. I wasn't brave. I wasn't bold. I wasn’t badass. I was hurt. I was confused.

We kept to ourselves that day, I talked to friends and family. In fact, I had to tell Rafe's family the news. My best friend, Vicki was going to get on a plane and travel from Chicago to North Carolina to be with me. I hadn't eaten all day. I remember Rafe cooking and telling me I should eat. I remember telling him he didn't get to tell me what to do. I remember him looking hurt. I remember thinking it didn't matter.

We sat on opposite sides of the living room and talked. I asked "Why?" "When?" "What happened?" Rafe and I had dated for almost six and a half years at that time and he told me he had felt that way for five years. I remember being distraught hearing that. We discussed what was going to happen and I said I was going to take the dogs. I didn't have a plan, but I was going to take the dogs and I wasn't staying there. I remember throwing his words at him and telling him that I didn't want him to wake up one day and decide he didn't love the dogs and didn't want to spend his life with them.

It was during our brief and non-specific talk that we decided instead of sitting in the apartment that we'd go get a drink somewhere in downtown Durham in an attempt to avoid the awkwardness of our now broken home. It was also during our brief and non-specific talk that I told him I needed to borrow his car to pick Vicki up at the airport because she was on her way to me.

I remember sitting across from Rafe having a drink and "All These Things I've Done" by The Killers came on overhead. I remember crying. I thought at that time that I wouldn't make it through. I remember hearing the lyrics and thinking the song was being played for me.

""I want to stand up, I want to let go. You know, you know, no you don't, you don't. I want to shine on in the hearts of men. I want a meaning from the back of my broken hand. Another head aches, another heart breaks. I am so much older than I can take. And my affection, well it comes and goes. I need direction to perfection, no no no no. Help me out. Yeah, you know you got to help me out." "Yeah, oh don't you put me on the back burner. You know you got to help me out. These changes aren't changing me. Yeah you know you got to help me out. Yeah, oh don't you put me on the back burner. You know you got to help me out. You're gonna bring yourself down." "I got soul, but I'm not a soldier.""

I thought that was it being played for me. Maybe it was the only thing I heard at the time. A montage of our relationship flashed as the song played on. I wanted to have soul, but not be a soldier. Instead, I went to the restroom to throw up.

I dropped Rafe off and went to pick Vicki up. I was what is now called by most as a hot mess, it just wasn't in everyday vocabulary in 2009. Vicki did what any best friend would in a pretty crazy, emotional situation. She took me to a bar to get drunk. I vaguely remember mistaking a candle for a salt shaker for French fries that I thought were amazing; Vicki tells a different story that they were in fact horrible. I also remember having Vicki drive us back to the apartment and me asking her to stop on the side of the expressway so I could throw up. I also remember not being able to ask her a second time to stop so I could throw up, and instead rolling the window down and throwing up on the outside of the moving car.

The next morning I awoke to Rafe looking for his work ID. I remember telling him "I don't know, I don't care, and you're going to have to keep track of it yourself." I once again wanted to be brave. I wanted to be badass. I was only heartbroken. Vicki and I spent the day dumpster diving boxes from retailers and checking on my car. Vicki did the majority of my packing; I couldn't focus. It was decided that the next day we would load up a U-Haul and drive toward Illinois as my parents drove from Illinois to North Carolina. We'd eventually meet and my dad would take over U-Haul duties and Vicki would ride with me as we drove my broken life back to Illinois.

Vicki and I successfully packed everything up and were ready to pick the U-Haul up in the morning. It was long beyond the time that Rafe would have normally been home so I checked with him, assuming he was avoiding the situation. He was. Vicki and I went to dinner near his work and offered for him to come join us. To this day Vicki still says it was the most awkward dinner she's ever been to. It was also during that awkward dinner that Vicki went to the restroom and I told Rafe that the dogs and I would be leaving the following morning. Vicki came back to two people crying at the table.

Loading the Uhaul was tough. I was upset. I couldn't focus. Rafe kept appearing from the bedroom with tears in his eyes and then disappearing as fast as he had appeared. Vicki actually had to ask Rafe for help in loading the mattress because it was too awkward for the two us to do alone.

It was time. I was done. I wasn't ready, but I was done. We said our goodbyes. Rafe hugged me and kissed me on the lips. I cried. I turned away sobbing. I got in my '99 Kia Sportage and drove away as "This Year" by The Mountain Goats came on. I cried more. And hit repeat.

"I broke free on a Saturday morning. I put the pedal to the floor. Headed North on Mills Avenue and listened to the engine roar. My broken house behind me and good things ahead." 

It was a Saturday morning when I drove away. I did put the pedal to the floor. I headed North, just not on Mils Avenue. My broken house and life I knew then was behind me. I didn't know then, but there were good things ahead for me.

The next song that came on ironically was "Scream" by Kill Hannah. I cried some more. I sobbed. I bawled while trying to drive.

""I saw the clouds forming tornadoes in the sky. The winter winds blew on Lake Michigan that night. I carved your name into my arm so I would remember you. Sometimes it hurts so bad I don't know what to say. Enacting Sybil Vane in some tragic play. So afraid that I can't ever explain. So now I scream. And hope it's a dream. It's hard just to breath. When you said goodbye." "Maybe a sad song some time will make you remember me. Somehow I feel it's my destiny to fall. Get dried and hung upon a gallery wall. Holding on by just a thread to my heart." "So now I scream and hope it's a dream. It's hard just to breath. When we said goodbye." "It's not what it seems. I still can't believe that we said goodbye. But now when I think of you I scream."" 

I played those two songs over and over for the next several hours until Vicki was in the car with me and made me change songs.

I spent 9 months of 2009 lost. Angry. Mad. My hair color changed numerous times. In fact when I met my now brother-in-law for the first time my hair was three colors ... think Cindy Lauper circa 1980's with bright blonde to orange to red. The hair coloring I had at that time is now called an Ombre, in reality it was me dying my hair to forget everything. That was me. I went on trips with friends. I saw The Mountain Goats and they closed the show with "This Year". I felt vindicated. I felt a little bit free. I wanted to have that feeling of finding myself, being free, being me ... whoever that was at that time ... I wanted to have that feeling again. I saw Kill Hannah and they didn't play "Scream" but that show as well set me a little bit more free.

The relationship itself I got over in less than a year. The finding myself took longer. Once I found myself, I've been so free. So confident. So relieved. So brave. So badass. The email that at the time I thought was going to crush and end me ... it did for a bit. The email that at the time I thought was going to crush and end me ... it made me stronger. If not for that email I would not have been on some of the best adventures of my life. I would not have been on trips with family and friends. Made new friends. Reconnected with old friends. I would have missed the births of some of my closest friends bringing their children into this world. I would not have found myself. As I look back I was content. I wasn't challenged. Rafe and I had so much in common as far as interests we were predictable. There was no sense of adventure. No challenge. No trying.

As I look back thinking how broken I was 7 years ago; over half a decade ago, and yet it seems like a lifetime ago for me ... I'm thankful. My life changed that day. And as it turns out it changed so much for the better. I can't say that day kick-started who I am now, but I can say that without it I wouldn't be where I am now.

Rafe was a creature of habit, I'm not entirely convinced that his email address isn't the same still. Not to mock him, my email address is the same as it was at that time. I’m not entirely convinced that I couldn't email him right now and it reach him. Instead, since he penned an email to me at some point and time and finally sent it on January 1, 2009. I will pen what I would say to him 7 years later. And with the worlds that be in the craziness of life, I'm not convinced he won't read it.

"Rafe,

I eventually emailed you my ranting thoughts. My heartache. My anger several weeks after I left our broken home and tried to piece my life back together. If you're curious: It sucked. Looking back I wonder if I scared those around me with how close to self-destruction I truly was. I don't say that to make you feel remorseful. I don't say that so those who know me reading this look back and worry about who I was. I say that because that was my reality. For a few months we occasionally exchanged instant messages. At first I did so just for hope. When I stopped those messages, they stopped for purpose. I didn't need them anymore. There's no easy way to say this, but I got over you. It was like a switch was flipped. I heard one song and I wanted it to be me someday in life. The irony isn't lost on me that the center of our relationship was music and it was music which freed me of you.

While I understand you didn't love me and I wasn't the person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with, I've long been fine with that. Several years ago when I had faraway moved on and was in my current relationship, you sent me the most random text message wishing my family and I a Merry Christmas. I felt no anger toward you, but I didn't share that. In fact, I had long prior deleted your number and only recognized it by memory. I didn't reply instantly and when I did I simply said "Thanks".

I'm not sure where you're at in life now. I hope you're well. I truly do because I am so far beyond well. In fact I'm so far beyond well you wouldn't recognize the successful person I've become professionally, personally; inside and out. I don't owe you everything, in fact I don't owe you much. We agreed to stay friends, I agreed to that originally out of hope. I agreed knowing it was a lie. That hope diffused and I'm adult enough to know that a friendship between us wouldn't work. It wouldn't have worked then and it wouldn’t work now. I'm a successful professional, published author and photographic entrepreneur who in one year alone ran four half marathons and completed four triathlons on a whim. I am a few months away from completing my first Half Ironman which in due time will inevitably lead to a full Ironman race in my life and another tattoo upon my completion of that race. Oh and to break it to you, the one tattoo I had when you knew me turned to an additional two later during the year we said goodbye. In fact I got them on your birthday as a celebration of me; not you. And eventually those additional two turned into another tattoo that takes up my entire back from neck to hips, side to side. I'm confident. I'm opinionated. I'm determined. I'm head strong. I'm driven. I'm hilarious (even if only I think so). I'm adventurous. I'm always on the go. I'm supportive. I'm ambitious. I'm inspiring. I'm bold. I'm brave. I'm badass. If you're any of those people I've just described I wouldn't be surprised, and if you are I congratulate you and most of all I thank you.

Lori"

"This Year" by The Mountain Goats repeats throughout "I am going to make it through this year, if it kills me." While the circumstances are much different this New Years Day, I still hold to this motto. Whatever is thrown at me albeit good, bad, indifferent. I can survive it. I can make it through. And it won't kill me.

I’ve spent several years now laughing at my New Year’s Day of 2009. It was bizarre. It was weird. It’s hilarious to me now. The irony still isn't lost on me that just one song flipped the switch and changed me.

By the way, if you were wondering at all ... when Vicki and I packed up, we packed that blender up and brought it with ... it was mine after all. And as the years continue to pass, the irony is not lost on me with my love of music