Perhaps it is my slightly askew outlook on life. Perhaps it is my film education and passion for movies. Perhaps it's just me. I truly do believe that "The World Looks Like A Movie Always Playing". Scenes. Events. Conversations. Daily Happenings. They are all plausible to be in a film played on a screen for viewing. They are in fact our lives playing out in front of us.
This quote is so particularly powerful and embedded in my mind I have it tattooed on my body. I'd say it's a pretty big deal given that fact. I think a part of me always felt like I believe the world looked like a movie always playing, however it's a lyric and line in the song "They Can't Save Us Now" by Kill Hannah.
I'll let that sink in for a moment. Not the fact of the lyric, but the band name. And I'll let it sink in that more than likely you've never heard of them. It's ok, I actually like that they are sorta just mine. Or I should say were. Past tense. *insert super sadness here*
I started listening to Kill Hannah late in High School and started attending their shows in early college. They were a local band, or local to me. Kill Hannah formed in the dorm room of the lead singer out of heartbreak. His girlfriend Hannah broke up with him. And thusly Kill Hannah was formed.
This quote is so particularly powerful and embedded in my mind I have it tattooed on my body. I'd say it's a pretty big deal given that fact. I think a part of me always felt like I believe the world looked like a movie always playing, however it's a lyric and line in the song "They Can't Save Us Now" by Kill Hannah.
I'll let that sink in for a moment. Not the fact of the lyric, but the band name. And I'll let it sink in that more than likely you've never heard of them. It's ok, I actually like that they are sorta just mine. Or I should say were. Past tense. *insert super sadness here*
I started listening to Kill Hannah late in High School and started attending their shows in early college. They were a local band, or local to me. Kill Hannah formed in the dorm room of the lead singer out of heartbreak. His girlfriend Hannah broke up with him. And thusly Kill Hannah was formed.
- Have you ever heard any of their songs? Probably not.
- Can I sing every song of theirs even the unreleased ones? Yes.
- Would you recognize a member of Kill Hannah if you walked by them? Probably not.
- Did I once leave a Sigur Ros concert and run into the lead guitarist, Jonny, from Kill Hannah? Yes.
- Have you ever had the lead singer touch your beat up Kill Hannah shirt you were wearing and inadvertently be felt up by him? Probably not. The first time I met Mat Devine, that happened.
- Have you ever been to a show where just 12 people were in attendance and you drove 3 hours to get there? Probably not. I have, and afterwards we sat in a big, round booth having beers.
- Have you ever driven to the literal wrong side of the tracks in quite possibly the most random location of Kankakee, IL to see a band? Probably not. I have, and it was only afterwards that I found out I was on the wrong side of the track.
- Have you ever been so moved and blown away at dedication and passion that you had a permanent reminder tattooed on yourself? Possible. For me, definitely.
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| My Kill Hannah Sniper Heart, The World Looks Like A Movie Always Playing tattoo at the final Kill Hannah show. |
Kill Hannah and I have been through a lot together. They don't know it, but they've been through the thick of things with me. The good. The bad. The ugly. The indifferent. That's not to say it's all been easy for Kill Hannah either. They themselves have had records released, tours, members leave. They had their tour bus catch on fire in another country while on tour (and they were in it at the time)!
What does this have to do with me? With anything? It has to do with everything, and nothing all at the same time.
Kill Hannah has been in my life longer than some of my closest friends. And now I have to rely only on their music I know, the memories of them, of us. Kill Hannah played their final show on Saturday, December 19, 2015 at the Metro in Chicago, Illinois. I cried. I've cried again since then. I feel like I've been dumped. I feel like a flood of memories has hit me like a force to be reckoned with and this force is outweighing me currently.
So what does this have to do with me and my future? Well, life goes on. But it's not that simple. I've watched and experienced this band struggle, be at a show with 12 people, and here's the thing ... every time they come out. It's not far fetched when I say they inspire me. They are a group of guys who had a dream, a vision. They've been on a journey. They've done so much themselves from their own album artwork to manning their own merchandise table. I got to witness and be there for their end, which is really just the beginning of something new. The memories, we have the memories.
I have a lot of self-doubt at times, which may seem pretty crazy to read since I'm, well, me. I'm guessing at more than one point in their career, Kill Hannah had a lot of self-doubt. But they've kept going. Failure, success. I have no singing abilities. That didn't stop me from singing along to every song. I have no dancing abilities. That didn't stop me from dancing and jumping along to their entire concert. I have no shame. And I'm guessing from a band that for years could wear eyeliner better than me and had a snowman and reindeer jumping around on stage during their final concert that they too have no shame. Just a hunch.
As I sit, a week departed from the final Kill Hannah show I smile. My Half Ironman training begins in a matter of days. I need to find inspiration and motivation anywhere I can right now. My self-doubt is in overdrive as I worry "I won't make the swim cutoff time". Or "What if I blow a tire on the bike course?" Or "I'm already a slow runner, have me swim 1.2 miles then bike 56 miles, I'll be walking and not finish the 13.1 miles in time." My self-doubt is in overdrive and I'm not actually following a rigorous training schedule yet.
As with finding inspiration and motivation anywhere I can, I also have to find the joy in things. My favorite English speaking band in the world used the words "Breaking up" before they sang their final song. A song that was never actually released, and yet everyone sang along. I cried at the end, but along the way, not only during that final concert, but along the way I've smiled. Kill Hannah is slightly ridiculous and yet I find joy in them.
What does this have to do with me? With anything? It has to do with everything, and nothing all at the same time.
Kill Hannah has been in my life longer than some of my closest friends. And now I have to rely only on their music I know, the memories of them, of us. Kill Hannah played their final show on Saturday, December 19, 2015 at the Metro in Chicago, Illinois. I cried. I've cried again since then. I feel like I've been dumped. I feel like a flood of memories has hit me like a force to be reckoned with and this force is outweighing me currently.
So what does this have to do with me and my future? Well, life goes on. But it's not that simple. I've watched and experienced this band struggle, be at a show with 12 people, and here's the thing ... every time they come out. It's not far fetched when I say they inspire me. They are a group of guys who had a dream, a vision. They've been on a journey. They've done so much themselves from their own album artwork to manning their own merchandise table. I got to witness and be there for their end, which is really just the beginning of something new. The memories, we have the memories.
I have a lot of self-doubt at times, which may seem pretty crazy to read since I'm, well, me. I'm guessing at more than one point in their career, Kill Hannah had a lot of self-doubt. But they've kept going. Failure, success. I have no singing abilities. That didn't stop me from singing along to every song. I have no dancing abilities. That didn't stop me from dancing and jumping along to their entire concert. I have no shame. And I'm guessing from a band that for years could wear eyeliner better than me and had a snowman and reindeer jumping around on stage during their final concert that they too have no shame. Just a hunch.
As I sit, a week departed from the final Kill Hannah show I smile. My Half Ironman training begins in a matter of days. I need to find inspiration and motivation anywhere I can right now. My self-doubt is in overdrive as I worry "I won't make the swim cutoff time". Or "What if I blow a tire on the bike course?" Or "I'm already a slow runner, have me swim 1.2 miles then bike 56 miles, I'll be walking and not finish the 13.1 miles in time." My self-doubt is in overdrive and I'm not actually following a rigorous training schedule yet.
As with finding inspiration and motivation anywhere I can, I also have to find the joy in things. My favorite English speaking band in the world used the words "Breaking up" before they sang their final song. A song that was never actually released, and yet everyone sang along. I cried at the end, but along the way, not only during that final concert, but along the way I've smiled. Kill Hannah is slightly ridiculous and yet I find joy in them.
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| My friend, Erinn photographed my excitement to be at the show. |
I'm trying to channel my sad feelings of them moving on in life into positive, inspirational motivation. They took on the world, literally touring it. I can take on myself.
"It goes universe, wrap your arms around me. Make me strong so I can take on anyone."
Kill Hannah may have taken their final bow, but it's just the beginning of what's next for each of them and with that motivation I an start the beginning of what's next to me. I feel like a chapter of my life has been closed, and yet what's on the next page is just as exciting, if not more. My love for Kill Hannah won't die, it can't. I won't let it. The thanks and what I owe them, they'll never know. It can be my secret.
The members of Kill Hannah, both old and new lining up for their final bow.
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