Scratching At the Surface Now

Living in the Midwest in the Triathlon world it's officially offseason. In fact coming up quick is the end of any running races outside as well. That being said I feel lost. I've spent this whole year doing one race after another and training for them. And now I'm lost. I have goals for 2016 and am sticking with them, but some of those goals are so far away the time will change again before I can achieve them.

When I feel lost I listen to music. A lot. A great deal. An alarming deal of the time. And as I listen I think of how lost musicians must feel at times. How they have struggled to get where they are. How they have had to fight for who they are. What they want. What they believe in. What they want to do. And I listen to their passion saying what they want, inspiring, helping, healing. 

This same ideology is applied in film as well. A filmmaker, especially one from the independent genre may have to live a lifetime before their film, their masterpiece, their passion is seen by anyone. Having gone to film school this resonates with me alarmingly, so much more than the dream of one day crossing the finish line of an unbelievably huge race.

Once. I think of the movie "Once" and I can't help but smile. I came across the film by accident and it was that accident that has inspired me. Brought me joy. Brought me sorrow. Brought me a love for an Irishman who has no idea who I am; and that's ok. "Once" has also brought me hope, the idea that anything is possible. 

Without going all film geek on you and providing an in depth review of the film and throwing out the fact that it was made in just 17 days and mostly without a permit for filming with two non-actors in the lead roles. Or that the film went on to win an Academy Award for Best Song. Or that the film inspired a Tony Award Wining Musical. Those things aside, "Once" is the little film that could. The music behind "Once" is that of Glen Hansard AKA the Irishman who has no idea who I am.

I realize right now you're thinking to yourself "This is one heck of a ramble" and I get that, I can even see where you might think that. But no. Lately I've been on a Glen Hansard (solo artist or group artist) and "Once" soundtrack kick. The film "Once" begins with its opening credits playing as Glen passionately sings the song "Say It To Me Now". By the way, if you ever have the opportunity to see Glen in concert just know that he steps to the front of the stage, unplugs entirely and belts that song out just as passionately and forceful as in the opening credits. And that guitar? It's his, that's the one he played at the Academy Awards and plays in concert. He's genuine, he's passionate, he's humble, he's thankful, he's inspiring. 

I digress. I used to listen to "Say It To Me Now" and picture someone singing it, saying it at an old friend, an old romantic partner, even an old boss maybe. Lately, it's me. It's me talking to my feelings of my lost self who has achieved so much and telling my old self that this is ok. This is working out. This is me. I'll continue to change, I'll continue to evolve. I'll feel lost. I'll feel found and passionate. I just have to remind myself, say it to myself.

I am just "scratching at the surface now". I have no idea what I am entirely capable of, but I believe I am capable of anything. I'm the only one in my way of greatness and success. "And I'm trying hard to work it out." Someday's are easier than others. Some have muscle aches for days. Some have my slowest running time ever. Others have the day where it's like I forgot how to swim. "And so much as gone misunderstood." And no matter the amount of things I've misunderstood and didn't understand, it eventually all comes together and makes sense. "And this mystery only leads to doubt." I doubt myself a lot, and then I prove myself wrong. "And I didn't understand." I didn't, I still don't. I never would have predicted to be on this path, and yet it makes sense; or at least I tell myself it does. "When you reached down to take my hand." I've had a lot of support from those around me, both near and far, and as I continue on I couldn't do it without them. "And if you have something to say, you better say it now." I just have to always remind myself, I can do this. I am doing this. I've done this. I will continue to do this. 

"Cause this is what you've waited for. A chance to even up the score. And as these shadows fall on me now I win somehow. Cause I'm picking up the message. And I'm closer than I've ever been before. So if you have something to say, say it to me now."

Maybe it's a long shot. Maybe this is just another one of those lies I tell myself to get through. I'm pretty sure Glen Hansard didn't write "Say It To Me Now" as an anthem for people who have crossed over into a healthy lifestyle of competitive racing and feel lost when their next race isn't anytime soon. But for me, as I feel lost because my next racing adventure seems so far away I'm getting myself through the best I know how. I make it up as I go along. And if along the way something clicks ... even better. Oh and if along the way Glen Hansard learns who I am ... I'm not going to complain, I'm not going to ask him about "Say It To Me Now", in fact I'd be so star struck I'd ramble, probably ask him to marry me and move to a castle in Ireland. They have castle triathlons in Ireland after all!